Jealousy

In my mind, jealousy is synonymous with lack of self esteem, or lack of trust. I truly try not to be a jealous person, but it doesn’t always work out. My fiance’ is probably the most trustworthy person I’ve ever met, but I still have problems with him flirting. It irritates the hell out of me. Especially when it’s with one of my best friends that I’ve known since 3rd grade. He swears he doesn’t realize he’s flirting, but I’ve spoken to him about it numerous times, so you’d think he’d be aware. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I guess it’s that I think he flirts because he finds her attractive, which he claims quite the opposite. So, why flirt with someone you’re not attracted to? And why do it in front of me? It makes me wonder how he acts around the people he does find attractive. Which would get me onto a different topic of a certain female friend of his. Totally different blog for that one.

I think my issue is self esteem. My ex husband was a chronic cheater, which leads me to believe I didn’t have what he was looking for, or he didn’t find me attractive, or he had commitment issues, who the hell knows. I know my fiance’ isn’t like that and finds me fun, sexy, whatever. He’s not my ex. But after 7 years living one way, it becomes engrained. My fiance’ and I have been together almost 5 years now, so you’d think I’d have had the time to get over it, but it still rears it’s ugly head every now and then. Thankfully he gets it, having been through it himself. But it doesn’t contain the flirting. I tried a new approach. Telling him that I just didn’t care if he flirted. Reverse psychology? Hmmm, it actually had the desired affect. Or maybe it worked on me instead. Maybe I actually believed it didn’t bother me. I really am trying new outlooks, but it’s hard to change. I try to be a better person, but it’s not always easy.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. It’s not an excuse, but it doesn’t help the self-esteem issues. Now that we’re easing into the fall season and there’s less sun, I’m actually experiencing some of what I call seasonal depression, but I’m trying mind over matter. Of course, I’m on meds for depression and anxiety, but they don’t always work. The depression makes my relationship hard, because my mood can change in the blink of an eye. The poor guy had no idea what he was getting himself in to. But I warned him ahead of time. 🙂

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